– Alubuntu’s Animal Farm

So now that Ghanaman is officially an Animal Farm, what animal are you? Fellow animalistic Ghanamanians, you have to answer me ooo.

See, me I know AmegaAlubuntu is an elephant; a very short elephant. MuguyaroBorrowmia is also an elephant; a very dishonest one. How do I know this? Tsooo… the elephants are in the palace silly!

But as MawuSogbolisor is my witness, me, Kofi AbodwepimNyantomago, I can’t tell what species of beast I am!

It’s so frustrating; I have stood in the mirror and cried mmeee, cried muuu and miao and hoohiihoohiihoo, in honest attempt to get in touch with my beastly nature but I just didn’t discover me.

Kporra, I have since also dawdled, hobbled, limped, lumbered, marched, meandered, paced, plodded, shuffled, slouched, staggered, stridden, and ambled; I have tried every goddamn animal locomotion I know to discover my animal ancestry but the more I have tried, the more I have been failed.

Okay, okay fine; waddling comes easy to me… but with all due respect I don’t have a long mouth; so I cannot be a duck! Mbanor, what am I?

Eeeh? No never! I refuse it, le YesuKristofenkor me, that I look like an insult; how can you even think like a super pastor?

See, me the way I see it, it’s only AyisiBoateng de Zulu Afrikana who can tell me my species ooo; aloo? Beh, ebi him proclaim this land of our birth the Animal Republic of Ghanaman; no?

Toorh, if you think so – Ghanaman is indeed a Democrazy and every two-legged beast has a right to choose his own Surname. Bitches and gentledogs, monkeys and baboon folks, escetua, escetua, to hell with Ayisi, you can give yourselves the benefit of the doubt!

But, now that the elephant is more equal in this zoo called Ghanaman than any other animal, what species are you fellow twoplegged beasts, really? Oya scramble for your animal identity…before OsofoOtotobila classifies you as insult.

Kutuku!…where is Kutuku? Somebody please look for him and tell him that I know he has jowls like a bullfrog but he should not choose Apotror as his surname!

Don’t ask me why silly! Look around you the elephants in this zoo called Ghanaman; are they not always stampeding about? What do you think will happen to the stupidest man in Ghanaman if he adds a toad’s homage to his stupidity?

I suggest he tries Naachiki…there is a nice ring to KutukuNaachiki, is there not? Naachiki is Sissala for lion! I know, I know, I am a genius.

You think what I’m saying is unnecessary because AyisiBoateng de Zulu Afrikana has apologized for saying that elephants are more equal than the rest of us beastly folks in Ghanaman? No sir, methinks you are very veryvery wrong!

First, if you think I am unhappy with Boateng de Zulu Afrikana over anything you are off target indeed. Tsoo, the man deserves an award. Ah, in this Kukruduu government that everybody is a Devil’s Advocate, how can this candor be a source of unhappiness? I don’t know about you but I certainly think this is far better than being told Jankarayu is Ghanaman’s technological leapfrog over Almighty Amerikana.

Tell me yourselves, is Boateng de Zulu Afrikana wrong in declaring that Ghanaman is an Animal Farm under Alubuntu? Even among the elephants themselves have we not heard of squads like Bolgatanga Bull Dogs and Paga Crocodiles?

As we speak, which one of you can honestly tell me that you are not on the lookout for the next slap or blow from a group of baby elephants? You are, because the whole of Ghanaman is overrun by Alubuntu’s marauding calves.

It doesn’t matter which part of Ghanaman you are, a baby elephant is lying in wait to pounce – Terminator One Forces are in BrongAhafo, Mission Impossible Forces are in Western, 007 Forces are in Central, Rambo Babies are in Volta, Kandahar Boys are in Northern and the Cyborg Forces are in the Upper West Region.

I have already spoken of Bolgatanga Bulldogs and Paga Crocodiles of the Upper East Region. In Alubuntu’s home region, Eastern, there is AkanfoKwaebibirem Forces.

Invincible Forces are in Greater Accra, while Delta Force is in Ashanti, or I lie?

Unfortunately for all of us who are less equal than the elephants, Alubuntu and his tugyimi government, oversized with family, friends, ex- girlfriends and heavy bottom baby mamas have secured the wonderful Jankarayu which is more advanced than even Amerikana’s laser controlled missiles.

Once you become a target, all that the Kukruduu government has to do is to use Jankarayu to teleguide a group of marauding baby elephants to your location, and then you can sing, “Only Jesus Can Saaave!”

Hell, even before the invention of Jankarayu, Ghanaman’s Police Officers, Soldiers and even Security dons whose noses were not long enough to qualify them as elephants were pounced on. Eeeh, who can forget poor Nsenkyire, the Kumasi judge who received blows, hooks and punches for daring to sit on a case against Delta Force de Kukruduu?

The violence in Alubuntu’s Animal Farm is so widespread that even the Fulani in-laws of Muguyaro, who is married to Hajia Samira Borrowmia, the Fulani chick who made history traveling across the Indian Ocean to take selfies with Kumkumbaghya characters, have been picked on for ethnic chinchinga.

At the end of the day, when it is all said and done, that animal called NolleProsequi will rise in defense of the Almighty baby Kukruduu, aloo? And if worse comes to worst, marauding Kukruduu babies will only pay Ghc1,800 so Alubuntu’s chief Justice can start a pure water business!

That is why me, Kofi AbodwepimNyantomago, I am totally agreeable to the decision of that beautiful Ghanamanian cinema personality with dum-sor complexion, or is it change color chameleonosis?… yes, I mean Nelson Mandela Yvonne of Nfanti…her decision to hide her pregnancy from prying eyes in Ghanaman, until she secretly gave birth in faraway UK was right.

I totally disagree with that strange man of God who shoots off his mouth by heart when he says that Nfanti Yvonne’s behaviour smacks of witchcraft, no. I put it to Counselor Lutterodt that he is totally wrong in this issue. Yvonne Nelson Mandela of Nfanti had every responsibility to protect her seed from all the marauding elephants who are stomping about in this Animal Farm called Ghanaman.

And I am not surprised either, that the dum-sor gal chose the UK to deliver even if Ghanaman’s former colonial master has become a story land for turumutu.

Oh yes, I was always going to come to it. KyeiKwesiDarkwa says people who express disgust about his son’s idiosyncratic preference for sokode with other men are jealous of him? Baaah, jealous of what?

From where I sit, I can’t see anything that is desirable about the hard bottom of a fellow man ooo. Aaaargh, I really fail to understand how a bearded man kissing another bearded can inspire envy in anybody. Unless KKD wants me to undersit perhaps?  Me, Kofi Nyantomago, not even a woman can make me envious!

You see, ever since the story about KKD’s own son came out, I have been feeling it in my bones, a repetition of the phrase, “Karma is a Bitch!” no bi this same KKD wey rape 19 year old Ghanamanian gal young enough to be his grand-daughter? So the rapist father calls people who feel disgusted with his son’s abomination of a homosexual lifestyle “envious”? Ei, ebenasem so nyi?!

Me, all I can say is, eboborba…I won’t be surprised if soon, his beloved daughter demands to marry a tree. Oh yes, these days it is no longer news that been-to people prefer to have sex with dogs.

As Mawu is my witness I have seen a UK man rape a python!


The Republic News Online

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